You are very ...how do you spell stupid?

Contractually, we are obligated to work retail... I love buying, obviously... but selling, face to face... not so much.  I lack patience and a healthy respect for most individuals.  I generally make my husband fulfill my hours at the antique mall so I would like to send a special thank you to him for his bi-weekly sacrifice.  I often accompany him for a few hours on those days to do a little editing and rearranging and so I was fortunate enough to share a special encounter with some of our "regular" senior customers the other day.

Their disheveled liver spot on liver spot post-coitus appearance, 10:00 am high, fresh Heinekin in hand and "can we drink in the store?" might have alerted us to the oncoming verbal onslaught, but we naively made small talk as our loyal customer placed her empty green bottle on the counter to select several items including a few pieces of costume jewelry. Upon checkout,  I watched my sweet betrothed painstakingly wrap these items and place them in a shopping bag.  I then watched the customer immediately unwrap the jewelry (I am not entirely sure why) and toss them naked back in the bag.  A few hours later, said customer returns having lost the jewelry and demands that my husband give her some free jewelry to replace the jewelry that she lost.  My dear husband, failing to see the logic in her argument and also lacking in the authority to give away other dealer's merchandise explains that he is sorry but there is really nothing he can do.  She responded that she would never be back and left,  returning seconds later to pop her head in and deliver her coup de grace, "You are very stupid."

 
Make no mistake, I have said those same words countless times and probably for lesser offenses.  That being said it these times when I love him the most.  I would have hopped the counter and slashed her tires with the abandoned Heinekin but my wonderful husband gives these "retail experiences" their appropriate universal perspective and gently asks,"Have you been talking to my wife?"

Jurassic Snatch

1967 Philippe Halsman gelatin print of Jurassic Snatch, Georgia O'Keeffe via Photo & Soul - image copyright the Estate of Philippe Halsman

-The names have been changed to protect the guilty.-  One night a very long time ago, I was spending an evening with some friends when this long necked beauty in need knocked on their door.  It was something to do with the automobile. The specific need evades me as my friend "Whitney" and I stood awe struck at the classic loveliness of this woman. "Whitney's" husband "Bobby" enthusiastically volunteered his assistance outside while "Whitney" and I grilled the Grace Kelly before our eyes. Naturally, we prodded attempting to find out where the Fountain of Youth was and why would she refuse us its geographic locale.

It was during this inquisition that we found out two very important pieces of information: the first, was that she had been collecting social security for at least ten years (I swear to God above that the woman did not look a day over 35) and the second, was that she believed that her Ponce de Leon was tap water.  There were also two very important developments resulting from the events that evening: the first was that I abandoned all bottled, filtered and mineral water that instant. The second was that apres we shut the door on the lovely Joanna (hell yes, I remember her name) the lovestruck Sir "Bobby," "inspired" by our chance encounter with the damsel in distress, coined the term "Jurassic Snatch."  It is by far my most favorite euphemism and I try to use it whenever some sexy senior saunters by.  I hope that someday, after drinking much, much tap water, I will have earned the title.

Happy Birthday Granny!

Wishing my sweet grandmother, Dorothy Rose Hutchinson, the most generous Jurassic Snatch I have had the pleasure of knowing, a very Happy 87th birthday. That beauty seated on the rock is she.