REALLY?

1970s Virgina Slims ad via teenangster.net

So I am sorting through this box of the most fabulous photos of two African American families from the late 1800s through the 70s from two estates that we bought this summer and I come across this little 1976 booklet of LOVE COUPONS. The cover reassuringly says ... For a Very Special Guy, a very special gift... Oh goody I think to myself, I'll throw a few of these my husband's way... just to keep it fresh. And then I start reading them...

COUPON NUMBER UN

Yech! Yech! Double Yech!

I may hate it, but for you I'll cook it. One ethnic meal of your choice.

Really? Is there a marital disconnect that I am unaware of - men all over the world disgusted at their wife's refusal to cook an ethnic meal? I want to give this to my husband just so I can see the look on his face when he realizes the coupon is not good for a BJ and then hear the pusillanimous "thank you?"

COUPON NUMBER DEUX 

This coupon good for instant forgiveness, one time only,

for wearing any one of the following:

One strange female hair, one mighty peculiar lipstick smudge, one perfume scent I never wear.

REALLY? Because this problem...ADULTERY.... is actually an issue for most marriages and the last time I checked no f***ing coupon was a magic fix. 

COUPON NUMBER TROIS

This coupon good for 60 seconds of penalty-free ogling of the opposite sex. Caution: Penalty goes into effect at 61st second. (Double caution: Ogling member of the same sex may invalidate entire coupon book.)

REALLY? Pay close attention to the last part there because at this point I start to feel a little guilty. It becomes apparent that this poor girl who wrote the LOVE COUPONS is still unsure whether or not her Very Special Guy is straight or gay.

Needless to say- "We've come a long way baby ."

Influenza Inspired

photo - Karsten Schneider for National Geographic

I have the flu and I am feeling rather uninspired - I decided to search for inspiration in the flu itself, but I am afraid that the only thing inspired and influenza share is the same number of letters... yes friends, the well, unlike my lungs, is dry.

Do you see the the nasty little brown plunkers invading the beautiful blue cilia of my smoke free lungs?  This is God's special reward for me for volunteering in my daughter's kindergarten class last Friday.  My hazy mind recollects the slow motion of forty four two inch fingers brushing across twenty two little cartilaginous noses before they stage dive into the crowd of festering infectious markers, glue sticks and crayons. Why stop at washable markers Crayola? How about self sanitizing aromatherapy washable markers with dosing caps? Now that's inspiration...

Revieux - Sherwin Williams... meet Don Draper

Why?

This has been on my mind for a while now - I tout no art department background and I have never written a single line of copy but nevertheless...Why? This particular logo may be the one thing keeping me out of my neighborhood Sherwin Williams. I can only imagine that the reason that the earth is turning blue is because the paint can is smothering it with its loaves and fishes supply of blood. Will my children suffocate too if I use your paint and do you have any colors besides Full Metal Jacket Red? This does not make me feel like it is particularly good for the environment with the earth turning black there at the bottom as it gasps for its last breath. Sherwin Williams, why has Don Draper abandoned you? How about Color the Earth, with swirls of happy color that make me want to rethink my own walls? Seriously though, they would only have to change two letters and basically stop dumping toxic waste on the earth and voila, a free campaign that works!

Jurassic Snatch

1967 Philippe Halsman gelatin print of Jurassic Snatch, Georgia O'Keeffe via Photo & Soul - image copyright the Estate of Philippe Halsman

-The names have been changed to protect the guilty.-  One night a very long time ago, I was spending an evening with some friends when this long necked beauty in need knocked on their door.  It was something to do with the automobile. The specific need evades me as my friend "Whitney" and I stood awe struck at the classic loveliness of this woman. "Whitney's" husband "Bobby" enthusiastically volunteered his assistance outside while "Whitney" and I grilled the Grace Kelly before our eyes. Naturally, we prodded attempting to find out where the Fountain of Youth was and why would she refuse us its geographic locale.

It was during this inquisition that we found out two very important pieces of information: the first, was that she had been collecting social security for at least ten years (I swear to God above that the woman did not look a day over 35) and the second, was that she believed that her Ponce de Leon was tap water.  There were also two very important developments resulting from the events that evening: the first was that I abandoned all bottled, filtered and mineral water that instant. The second was that apres we shut the door on the lovely Joanna (hell yes, I remember her name) the lovestruck Sir "Bobby," "inspired" by our chance encounter with the damsel in distress, coined the term "Jurassic Snatch."  It is by far my most favorite euphemism and I try to use it whenever some sexy senior saunters by.  I hope that someday, after drinking much, much tap water, I will have earned the title.

Happy Birthday Granny!

Wishing my sweet grandmother, Dorothy Rose Hutchinson, the most generous Jurassic Snatch I have had the pleasure of knowing, a very Happy 87th birthday. That beauty seated on the rock is she.